I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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