I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
