the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
