definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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