Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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