I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize