you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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