so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
