why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
