if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
