He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I want her autograph on my taint
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
