The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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