non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
