You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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