my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
high people should be assigned attendants
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize