the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
