I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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