I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
