This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
