I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
