I accidentally had phone sex last night
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
