Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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