Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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