The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Someone came in the potted fern
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
