Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
