Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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