Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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