I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
