She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
