my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Hippo gnu deer
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
