WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
