How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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