How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
