remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
