speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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