conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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