it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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