Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
