How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
