So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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