I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
