True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
