i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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