Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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