So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
