Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
