It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
