My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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