When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
