bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
not ubering you a puppy
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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