she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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