I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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