U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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