You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
