my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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