Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
