ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
