Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
