i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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