Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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