Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
