sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
