I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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