I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
